Elegy for a lost world
These hills were once adorned in deeper hues,
when ancient boughs burst forth in bright array.
Forgotten now, the memory yet imbues
the cluttered vales where once the Fey held sway.
Where terraced houses step down cobbled lanes
and slate-bruised slopes betray forsaken mines,
majestic trees once tossed their dappled manes
and pierced the sky with countless eager tines.
The soughing wind conducted chattering leaves
whose swaying rhythm flowed from tree to tree.
Illumined motes afloat beneath the eaves
exalted a cathedral canopy.
In oaken groves, by sweetly glistening streams
the prayerful mortals knelt in awe and dread
of holy places, otherworldly dreams,
of misty mornings and a godly tread;
(not finished)
**
The slopes were wreathed in bramble, briar and thorn
grown dense from mouldered leaf and pungent loam,
and twisted trunks with limbs both gnarled and worn
wore sores of moss and leprous sponge like foam
on stagnant water, lying noisome still.
Reflected darkly on its sluggish face,
the blackened hovel stark upon the hill,
which but a puff of wind would now efface.
The great and dreadful forest now lies deep
in myth, the hills now crowned with grass and shale,
and deeper still the Fey, in troubled sleep,
see not a glint of daylight touch the vale
where young imagination, ripe and sweet
with promise, glows with living fire; a chance
to wake, to wake again the silent beat,
to stir lethargic limbs. 'Once more to dance!'
An elegy is writ within that cry,
a sorrow deep as death that dance has died,
that Pan should pipe no more, nor mortal pry
behind the mist, where gods and dragons hide.
**
Far from the madding crowd the churchyard lies
within a valley bronzed by waning day.
Bare hills stand mute, the owl soft, silent flies
in mourning for the passing of the Fey.
I sit and write despite the deepening gloom,
my grief carved from these weathered mounds and stone,
for though my youth knows nothing of such doom,
imagination calls me to atone.
The church bell tolls and I must now depart
for cheerful hearth, for light, for warmth, for life
The forest and the Fey I leave, in part,
for here they rest...
(need to figure out how to end. Not much works with 'life')













Comments
My advice on ending the poem is to transform it such that it reads "The church bell tolls and I must now depart/for cheerful hearth, for warmth and light/The forest and the Fey I leave, in part,/for here they rest, rest in the right". I would normally have suggest something along the lines of "for here they rest, in peaceful night" but that seems contradictory to the "warmth and light"... Perhaps you could change the second line to "for cheerful hearth, framed by twilight" so that you could rhyme it with my preferable suggestion - a like so:
The church bell tolls and I must depart
For cheerful hearth, framed by twilight
The forest and the Fey I leave, in part,
For here they rest, in peaceful night
I also thought the word "now" made the rhythm a little clunky, so left it out there... Just some thoughts, feel free to take all, some or none of my advice as you see fit...
I'd also, finally, suggest that you submit your "ideas" as a seperate literature submission, place it in the "Scraps" category and put a link to it your author's comments... This allows the original piece to look more professional and resolved, while allowing you to display your process work...
Thanks for sharing such a beautiful piece, I certainly enjoyed it...
--
98% of Deviants don't know the difference between "your" and "you're." If you're one of the 2% that wants to punch 'em, put this in your sig.
At the moment this is a WIP (work in progress) which is why I put the comments and stuff in. I wanted some suggestions before I finished it and I think if I put it in scraps no one will see it? When I finally do some more and get it finished, I'll move this one to scraps, or update it - not sure which to do yet.
I like your suggestions for rhymes - they will come in useful
I'm actually following a specific style (well, trying to), in that each line has to have 10 syllables/beats - your suggested lines 2 and 4 only have 8 beats. I'd want the emphasis on the first syllable of twilight as well - at the moment it lands on the second. I know I'm being pedantic, but that's because this stuff is all very new to me - I'm sure it's possible to vary rhythm and beats for effect but I don't feel confident enough yet to try that.
thanks again for taking the time to read and comment!
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